Better you than Me
December 5th 2006 07:19
It has been said that the tell-tale signs of a good, mature, adult-relationship is that your partner is not only a good friend, but that the friendships you both share outside the relationship are not quite as important as they once were, that the relationship with your parner is the central relationship.
This means, those who continue to exclude their partner from chunks of their social life by arranging "girls nights" or "blokes nights" or by choosing to spend time with a friend at the expense of time with your partner are treading on thin ice.
This is not to say that those relationships are failing, or will fail, but merely that your partner is someone without whom you don't really want to spend much time. Secrets hardly exist and your partner along with your friends is as fun as a night with the friends alone.
So why do we judge (and sometimes hate) those girls who ditch their friends for their new boyfriend? Why do the boys suddenly turn good-natured ribbing about being whipped into intermittent contact when the blokes no longer are the central aspect of their male friends' life? Why are we angry when a friendship necessarily needs to take a step back in order for someone's partner to regain confidence and comfort with it?
When will this no longer be the case? When will we start to expect that every relationship outside our romantic one will be less than central? Is it once everyone we know is involved in a couple? Is it a certain, cliff-hanging age?
Feeling neglected by your friends certainly isn't nice, nor is wishing your friends would neglec their relationship for you. So how do you balance this tension? Is this a skill you learn with age, or a skill you never quite master and always struggle with?
As per previous posts i wonder if this isn't something felt more directly on my behalf because of my severe dislike of being on my own for large chunks of time. Nor is it made less pressing by the impending departure of many of my friends for their summer travels as I prepare to hang around at my job waiting for something exciting to come along.
All you girls out there (who have, on occassion, been known to ditch their friends for the new man) don't you feel bad? I've been there, i've done it, and i always hate to choose, but the man somehow always wins out, and the friends are always there in the end. But what if they weren't? How do you know if the person you're choosing is the central relationship or if you just desire that it was?
And all you blokes out there who get crap from their friends for tagging alone with the girlfriend, do you ever wish you could just tell her (without incurring feminine wrath) that you need a night with the guys? Is it just to gain yourself, and your space, or is there something you're itching to do without her watchful gaze upon you?
Is needing that space really a sign that things are 100% (but maybe even 98%, and that might be good enough?)
How do you feel as the partner, the friends, the ditcher, the ditchee? Is it trendier to need your space, to relgate all relationships but one to the periphery, or to struggle, constantly, eternally, for the balance that leaves no one out in the cold?
This means, those who continue to exclude their partner from chunks of their social life by arranging "girls nights" or "blokes nights" or by choosing to spend time with a friend at the expense of time with your partner are treading on thin ice.
This is not to say that those relationships are failing, or will fail, but merely that your partner is someone without whom you don't really want to spend much time. Secrets hardly exist and your partner along with your friends is as fun as a night with the friends alone.
So why do we judge (and sometimes hate) those girls who ditch their friends for their new boyfriend? Why do the boys suddenly turn good-natured ribbing about being whipped into intermittent contact when the blokes no longer are the central aspect of their male friends' life? Why are we angry when a friendship necessarily needs to take a step back in order for someone's partner to regain confidence and comfort with it?
When will this no longer be the case? When will we start to expect that every relationship outside our romantic one will be less than central? Is it once everyone we know is involved in a couple? Is it a certain, cliff-hanging age?
Feeling neglected by your friends certainly isn't nice, nor is wishing your friends would neglec their relationship for you. So how do you balance this tension? Is this a skill you learn with age, or a skill you never quite master and always struggle with?
As per previous posts i wonder if this isn't something felt more directly on my behalf because of my severe dislike of being on my own for large chunks of time. Nor is it made less pressing by the impending departure of many of my friends for their summer travels as I prepare to hang around at my job waiting for something exciting to come along.
All you girls out there (who have, on occassion, been known to ditch their friends for the new man) don't you feel bad? I've been there, i've done it, and i always hate to choose, but the man somehow always wins out, and the friends are always there in the end. But what if they weren't? How do you know if the person you're choosing is the central relationship or if you just desire that it was?
And all you blokes out there who get crap from their friends for tagging alone with the girlfriend, do you ever wish you could just tell her (without incurring feminine wrath) that you need a night with the guys? Is it just to gain yourself, and your space, or is there something you're itching to do without her watchful gaze upon you?
Is needing that space really a sign that things are 100% (but maybe even 98%, and that might be good enough?)
How do you feel as the partner, the friends, the ditcher, the ditchee? Is it trendier to need your space, to relgate all relationships but one to the periphery, or to struggle, constantly, eternally, for the balance that leaves no one out in the cold?
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